Happy Friday

Happy Friday! I've been meaning to post all week and have been struggling to find a genuine and eloquent way to express everything we've been through this week, so instead of posting, editing, deleting, and re-posting I figured I would just post it.

We had been talking about trying to get pregnant at the end of the year, and with Jamaica just a few weeks away I was getting excited for this last booze-fest and adult vacation before we started a family, until my amazing husband shared with me that we are in a position for me to take some time off work when we decide to have babies. I don't know why, but I was surprised by this. Joel has always been very supportive of my career, and I know that was one of the things that was important to him. But I was also deeply touched about how much thought he had put into this plan, and his sentiments about how great it would be for our family for me to really be able to spend a few years home with our future-children during some crucial years of development. I also felt incredibly fortunate that we are in a position to do this, and grateful to have a husband who shares my values and acknowledged that this would be a difficult decision for me, but also a decision that is mine to make that he supports either way.

 I initially had a lot of mixed feelings about it (did I really go to school for all those years to be a stay at home mom? What will people think? What about my student loans? Should I maintain my license? Would a private practice allow me to still work and take care of the little babies? Could I be successful in a private practice? Would it really be safe with the babies nearby to do therapy in the casita/future MIL cottage?  Will I lose my identity? Will I lose myself…my sanity? Will our relationship change? Will I still be contributing to our household in a meaningful way?

Many of these questions and emotions have been running through my mind, but I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and peace when I stopped and asked myself, (ok, actually, Joel asked me and made me answer), what I really wanted, and to stop and allow myself to be selfish for a minute and think about what I really want.

While I frequently (ok a lot) fantasize about our children, write down names, oogle over pictures of my friends' babies, I realized that there really is no "right time", at least for us. I realized that we will never have enough money, will never have the right job, will never have been there long enough, will never be old enough, or young enough, will never be prepared enough, or be married long enough, etc, etc. And now acknowledging that feels very freeing.

I think I was very much fixated on my "life plan"--I knew I would graduate college by a certain date, I set out my plan of finishing my master's by the time I was 25, getting hired at the VA, getting my independent license within 2 years (that's now on the three year plan), and getting married and having babies. Not only did I have these expectations of myself, but I always sensed this unspoken pressure of this is just what the "right" time-table is. While telling Joel about this plan and my perceived ability to attempt to control everything in my life, I realized the simple complexity of letting go of all of this and just living my life. Or, as Joel simply said, "I had a life plan and then I got divorced and it all went to shit. Now I just want to be with you and be happy."

So, that's what we're doing. Although I can't stop making lists because of my high degree of neuroticism, I can stop obsessing over the Bump's weekly updates like how to "Boost Your Chances of Conceiving" and instead commit to just nurturing our marriage and my body, mind, and spirit, and it's ok  if that often involves wine.